U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
