Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
Randomize
