can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
Randomize
