I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I jerked off 12 hours ago exactly. I owe it to my penis to get laid.
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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