I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
At 10 PM you were shit faced in the kitchen makin nachos... Naked. I wasn't sure what to do besides walk away...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
