Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
