The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
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