is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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