I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
