My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
