So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
