If that was your dad, he is hot
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Randomize
