but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
Randomize
