What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
