im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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