She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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