I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
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