It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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