is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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