I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
