Yeah but his hole really smells sometimes
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
