News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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