I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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