Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
