Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I met the friendliest cop last night
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
Randomize
