I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
