I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
