you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
