A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango
IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
