My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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