You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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