After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
