Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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