This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
