Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
