I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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