I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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