where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Randomize
