if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
We were chasing that deer in the quad and next thing I remember I woke up in my RAs bed. I'm probably in trouble.
What a fucking waste of an outfit
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize
