thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Randomize
