3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Randomize
