All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
