I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
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