I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
