Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
So gin and wine won't be happening again
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
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