i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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