i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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