I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I smell like thanksgiving dinner and bad decisions. Its not even thanksgiving yet.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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