He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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