apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
