what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Randomize
