haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
my mouth tastes like poor choices
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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