a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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