C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
