Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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