Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Randomize
